I often tell people that I love to write, that I always have a notebook with me in case I want to jot something down that I’ve realized or observed or am thinking about. But, who am I kidding? Sure, I do love to write and I do always have a notebook with me. But, do I actually like to write for the sake of writing? I’m not so sure. I think a more accurate analysis is two-fold: 1) I love to talk about myself and 2) I feel a compulsive need to record things. While the 2nd issue is important, I’ll leave it for another post.
The only thing I remember about my Introduction to Sociology course I took in 2001 is this: if you ask someone a question, there is an 80% chance they are going to answer with a story about how your question relates to their life. We all like to talk about ourselves, I just do so on the internet. I pretend that my life is very interesting, that everyone would like to know what I’m up to, that they are going to be upset with me if I don’t write about completed projects (of which I have at least eight) or the family BBQ (that was held in late June). Extend it further and you’ll find that I just want people to like me, especially for my writing and photography. Sure, I can do math better than the average person and I’m pretty good at creating a technical Power Point presentation but some days my entire self-worth hinges on how many comments my photos receive or how many hits a new blog post gets.
I make fun of myself a lot, saying I have no talent and no ambition and that I’m annoying and stupid and clumsy – and maybe those are a little true, but I like to also think that I am awesome and everyone should be my friend. That every blog post should be linked to by the “popular kids” and my blog a household name. But, really, does it matter at all?
My livelihood does not, in the least, depend on this blog. Most strangers who stumble upon it probably have little clue that I’m a full-time Systems Engineering student who works in the defense industry. I’m just another knitter, sharing with friends (and the occasional stranger) the details of my knitting and, rarely, other portions of my life.
My friends, my parents, and probably even my little brother (“little” is relative – he’s 23) read this to find out what’s going on in my life. The knitting friends care about the knitting content; my family zips past it, hoping to find out how school’s going or see photos from a recent vacation. And I should be okay with that.
But maybe it’s a something I’ll always struggle with, wanting to be one of the popular people. If it makes me try harder – be it knitting, photography, writing, whatever – then it’s worth it. I just have to work on not letting it get to me *quite* so much.
“Better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self.” – Cyril Connolly
I think everyone with a blog (LiveJournals don’t count!) has felt like this at some point. I mean, why else put your information into a public forum on the internet? If you really just wanted friends and family to read it, there’s all kinds of things like LiveJournal where you can put friends only locks on your stuff. Especially with the popularity of people like the Yarn Harlot and others whose blogs have brought them a huge fanbase, it’s a reachable yet lofty goal.
I actually have two blogs, one for Japan and family stuff, and a separate one for knitting, since like you said, people usually come for one or the other, not both.
I like your blog!
Angela, having met you I can tell you that you are awesome and I count myself lucky to know you and proud to call you my friend. Your writing is entertaining and light and and whatever it needs to be when you are writing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with those of us who didn’t know you before. If it weren’t for your blog, I would have never met you so thanks for that!