needles & vectors

I feel like I’m still trying to figure out why I started this blog in the first place. I find myself restricting myself all the time on the topics I can discuss. Finished knitting project? That’s okay, this is a knitting blog. Photos from a family event? That’s okay, this is a personal blog. My opinions on the politics of the day? Can’t write that, this isn’t a political blog. A post about the basics of Systems Engineering? Forget it. I’m not an expert on Sys Eng, just an intern. What I did last weekend? I don’t want to bore people who want to read knitting content.

So, I find myself sitting here, afraid to write anythign at all. I don’t want to offend those of opposite views, share too much personal information, write only about knitting, pretend I’m an expert, or – worst of all – bore people.

But can I really not write this way and about these topics?

People will always disagree with me, whether a friend, family member, or perfect stranger. As long as I take care as to not be purely offensive, it’s okay that I write about those things here. Slander and libel are always to be avoided, but I also include logical falacies as equally unappropriate. As long as I state the facts, then state my opinion in a logical manor (with a few “what the hells” and “you, idiot” thrown in when I’m particuarly annoyed), I CAN write my political opinions.

Sharing too much personal information is one of my faults. Even if I’ve only known you for a little while, you’re likely to have heard lots of stories about my two cross-country moves, inability to ride a bicycle, and the like. I must learn to ask myself: would I be embarrassed if someone came and asked me about something I wrote here? If yes, I should not write it. I’m probably making someone feel uncomfortable by sharing that item. (This is similar to choosing what to write about the private lives of others. That’s my larger fear – embarrassing someone else.)

Warning: The next two paragraphs are only sort of related. I tried to make them mesh but, well, class was about to begin and I didn’t want to delay posting.

This is not a news blog or a blog of an expert knitter, systems engineer, writer, or photographer. It’s my personal blog which contains a few, smaller subjects about which I am an expert. I don’t think I have ever written a tutorial so, really, why does it matter that I have no real idea what I’m doing? I will never find myself writing “this is how you do this” but “here’s how I did it.” No one is going to be confused about my years of experience – all the evidence of things I write about is in my blog archives, not a section of a bookstore.

I know, I know. To make your blog stand out or get read or make money or whatever the big goal of blogging is today, you have to share your expertese, no matter how tiny it may be. I’m not here to share that. I’m here to comment on life, to share my views on things that have happened to me. I’ll leave that “share your expertise” stuff for the real experts. I have been tempted, however, to write a few basic tutorials for things related to Excel or Twitter, just for an exercise in procedural writing vs a need for another tutorial of that type on the web.

I am boring. I know that, you know that. Thankfully my boring-ness can sometimes be averted with sarcasm, side comments, and – when I’m really lucky – a clever turn of phrase. If my blog is to truly reflect who I am as a person, it’s going to sometimes be boring. I will rant. I will ramble. I will make no senese whatsoever. That’s how I talk. That’s how I write when writing outside of the technical/business sphere. It’s just how it is.

So, what can’t I write about? I can’t write aboutsubjects or including details which are wrong – be they factually incorrect, not mine to share, or offensive. I think I can handle that.

(In summary – look out for some discussions of things that aren’t so easy to discuss in mixed political company and, on the much lighter side, more about the non-knitting portions of my life. I may still be boring, but I’ll be showing the real me.)

Today is my 25th birthday and, somehow, my age seems suddenly important to me. Everyone feels suddenly older when they turn 16 (driver’s license), 18 (sign legal agreements, buy cigs/lottery tickets/etc), and 21 (alcohol) but 25? I don’t feel old, per say, just older. I woke up this morning and felt more mature, more complete, more respectable. Twenty two is when you finsih college. Twenty three is your first year out. Twenty four, maybe you are starting to figure “real life” out. Twenty five – that’s when you’re supposed to have your act together.

In some ways, I do already have things figured out. I’m married and already working in my chosen career, despite the fact it’s going to take me eight years to finish a messily Bachelor’s degree. I realized that, while it holds some allure, I don’t belong on the West Coast  and that I really want to live in Europe at some point. I know I hate to cook, love crafts that don’t require exact precision, and can’t be productive in an unorganized work space. I know I want to have children, sooner rather than latter. I know I like my white wine acidic, coffee brewed strong, and Diet Coke easily available. I know panting my toe nails makes me feel cute, putting on makeup makes me feel beautiful, and taking a bath can melt away any stress.

But there’s some things I certainly don’t know. Do I really want to work in Defense the rest of my career? Do I want to be a programmer or a scheduler or throw it all away and start my own cheese shop? What sort of top should I wear with a patterned silk A-line skirt? Is it me or my brother who takes care of my parents if they get sick – me because I’m older or him because he’s closer? How do you indicate to the tailor how much shorter you need your pants to be? What’s a good price for a manicure? Where’s the best place to rest your hands during a business meeting? Do I want to have kids right after I graduate or in ten years? When will I cease to look like I’m 16? How long until we can buy a house?

Maye that’s just how life is. There’s always things you don’t “get” yet – be it lack of experience or simply not knowing it was something you had to understand one day. I guess all I can hope is that I find the answers to some of my questions this coming year and let the less important things go.